Tuesday, April 07, 2009

How She Wish She Could Stay...

She doesn’t know how long he’s been holding her. But it must have been for quite some time. She feels warm in his hands already and she was lost in this feeling. She was so lost that she could not even identify for how this good feeling has been settling in her senseless senses. “He likes me,” she thought with pride.

He is one of the best companions she has ever met. When they met the other day he simply took her around but the moment he decided to know her deeply, he was drawn into her… also deeply. Thus, from that moment onwards he never left her: he continued trying to know her the best way he can. The idea is, the better he knows her, the more enjoyment, and the more pleasure he could feel for her. He took her wherever he goes around, even just around the apartment: bedroom, kitchen, living room, the bathroom! Oh yes, the bathroom! She despises the bathroom moments though.

She tries to forget the bad feelings she has for his acts; no bad sentiments for him absolutely, but only for his acts, as she likes him so good. No one has paid interest to her so far more than he does. The touches he gives her, if she thinks of those moments she can do nothing but murmur “oohhh hmmmm” so softly. The urgency of his needs for her, “Oh lovely!” He is such a wonderful and adorable being for her. She’s so glad they met.

They have been together for few days and now that he has spent a lot of very high quality time with her, she knows that something will make them apart. She just know it by instinct and with the thought alone, she shivers. “How I wish we can be together like this forever” she desperately thought. However, she knows for sure that no matter how close to each other they get, there is always a hindrance or two or even more to their togetherness.

How can she stay with him? This thought, she actually has been thinking since the day he laid hands to her but this question cannot be positively answered. She thinks again as to how but there can’t be any solution. They have to be separated and all she can do now is feel the moment and cherish the feeling. Indeed, feel this very moment of the most wonderful hours of her life. “No need to think ahead, the beautiful present is here,” she tried to comfort herself with this thought.

She was smiling to herself as he touch her even more rapidly and with more urgency. She knows he is coming there... in the climax... and this thought made her even more happy. Oh yes! He is coming there. One more… one more… one more page and he came to the climax of her story and then he'd come to the end. Tomorrow she’ll be back to her lonely shelf in the Central Library but for the time being she is happy. Very happy in fact.

6 comments:

Chinaren said...

I hope I’ve got the right one here! I’ll do this first and then you can tell me which other part to do!

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"When can I ever take some rest?" This is the question Bravo asks almost every night. This is the very same question he is asking now as he lies tired on her breasts as she heaves them up and down in a relaxed rhythm. "Is she asleep now"? Bravo wondered. She is very fond of him and she prefers to use him at night.
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I had to read this opening para a couple of times to figure out if Bravo was a he or a she, and if it was him or her we were following. I think the problem comes from the last sentence. ‘She is very fond of him’, as it sounds like that’s ‘her’ thinking it. You may want to change it to something like: ‘He knew she was very fond of him…”

You could also split the paragraph up a little too. Oh, and also don’t forget to use contractions: “he is” - > “he’s”


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His name is Bravo. She has a profound addiction, or shall we say, attachment, to him. She enjoys being with him.. she enjoys usings him! He knows the reason but he cannot do anything to prevent it. Why? He also enjoys the attention she gives. And why does she like him? "It is pretty hell of a story!" Bravo exclaimed as his sleepiness vanished in the air as he recounted his memories.
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Again, I was a little muddled here. It’s the same as above, the statements you’re using for ‘her’ are like they are coming from her.

You have an extra ‘s’ on the end of ‘using’.

The phrase: ‘It is (It’s!) a pretty hell of a story,” doesn’t sound right. I’d drop the ‘a pretty’.

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Call me Bravo. That is my name.
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Again, ‘that is’ would read better as: “that’s” Okay, I’ll stop mentioning this now! :) Still, I rather like this little phrase.

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I met her back in 2007. It was in Kuala Lumpur (KL).
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Do we need the (KL) in brackets here?

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She was in her hotel and she got a bit bored, thus, she decided to make something of use to the world.
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Call me old fashioned, but I really try not to use the word “got”. There’s always a nicer way of putting it. Her you could try ‘became’ or something.


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… and motivation to stay more and more hours each night.
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I like the couple of paragraphs that precede this line, they’re a nice insight. However I’d change this last bit slightly, maybe drop one ‘more’. It reads a little awkwardly.

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Few minutes later, she was with me.
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A few minutes later. I’m also not sure about using KL as opposed to the full name. Mmm.

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We were making her first ever blog dedicated to her nation! "Oh how admirable," I thought
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I’d replace ‘making’ with something a little more colorful. Maybe ‘writing’ or ‘creating’ perhaps. Also starting a new line when someone starts to speak (or think in this case) makes it a bit clearer when reading.

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and from that very moment I was immediately falling for her: at least for her thoughts
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Nice, but use a semi colon. It reads a little strangely as well, but I think that’s because of the ‘immediately’

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She is 100% Filipina
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Filipino?

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Later on however, we have travelled away from Malaysia,
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Tense a bit muddled here. Easily corrected by dropping the ‘have’.

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back to the Philippines, then crossed the continent together to the Mediterraneaneous mountainous Italy and now we are here in the coldic nordic Netherlands!
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Lol. Not sure if you are adding letters on words to emphasize things or not here! I rather like “Mediterraneaneous” and ‘coldic’ though. Still, just in case: ‘Mediterranean ‘ and ‘cold’. Also capital N on ‘Nordic’.

Actually maybe drop Mediterranean altogether.


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all these useless stuffs and all the time she spent and is still spending for this blog,
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Stuff, no ‘s’

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…tell you but promise me …
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Add a comma after ‘you’.

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"Why!? Why!? Why!? Grrr..." I can still picture her out
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Don’t need the ‘out’ here.

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with that catlike purring over her disabled account. It gives me a wiiiiiiide, in fact an ear-to-ear grin,
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I like this description! :D

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¬¬¬
Overall I quite liked this little piece of writing! It’s very mellow and cool. The mistakes in it are mainly the kind of ones non-native speakers make, certainly nothing serious, and certainly better than I could do in Italian! (Or any other language for that matter!)

Just try splitting some of the paragraphs up a little bit. For online reading especially this makes it easier on the eyes.

And keep writing! :)

Chinaren. (Entrecard)

Chinaren said...

Hey! Sorry for the delay with the others. I've been a bit out of it with a cold. They will be on the way soon!

zorlone said...

hello fellow woof winner,

Congratulations for getting in the top five! Your work was superb, I have to say that at least. he he he! prose isn't my best skill that's why i leave the story telling to people like you.

I hope to learn from your writings... I still have a long way to go to earn my place in the story telling community.

Z

Scotty's Princess said...

Hi Webbielady! Congratz for winning!

BTW, I wonder if you receive my email? Pls. let me know if you haven't but if you have, kindly just follow the instructions in THERE.

Thanks.

LAINY

www.lainyonline.com

Reviewer said...

Nice story, kept me involved. Most stories on the internet I just skim through, but this kept me reading. Congratulations!

Midfielder1234 said...

Very good story it kept me intrested however at the end I became a little bored, but that was because I have been blogging all day. Very good article.