Thursday, March 19, 2009

His Lamentations

He sits there in the corner. He is so quiet and pretends to be inexistent. He is very alive though and if anyone would pay some attention, it would be noticed that he is telling something. Looking closely, one would see in his face the message: the time, the date, the owner's name, the local extension, the operator's number, and so on and so forth.

His owner is busy. She is doing something that seems to be of importance but who knows if indeed it is important? She is busy. Or is she trying to be? He just listen. He listens to the tick and the tack of the keyboard as she uses it profusely. Maybe she is indeed busy. But she looks so relaxed and not pressured at all. He doesn't really believe that she is busy but he is confused. "Oh such a life", he thought.

"How I wish I can be like her and be so alive. I can only be alive in few moments each day. It is so boring sitting here, with my wires uncared that they might get cut due to so much entwining. No one cares for me. Not even her! She only remembers me when she needs me. Such a life, eh! I am bored. I am bored to death."

He looked at her. She was still busy. No time to touch him. Not even a chance to at least glance at him at this moment although she glances at him many times in some days when she is a bit nervous. He feels so dead and abandoned. No one cares for him. The day is about to end. She will go away. She will be out of the office and he would be there all night: alone in the cold, alone in the dark, alone in the crazy laid-out building.

It is time for her to go. She is preparing. And suddenly, he felt a hot tinged in himself. He was ringing and at last she held him. "Honey, I am coming down", she said excitedly. Then she slammed his receiver down and ran out of the door.

5 comments:

we said...

Trial trial

pehpot said...

aw poor phone.. not in our house though.. if it's not on the floor drowning on Chico's saliva it is being utilized as a chair.. by Chico again LOL

Make or Break

Chinaren said...

OMG! I'm sorry! I forgot I still had this to do. I'll get on it very soon. Promise! Sorry for the delay, I've been all over the place this weekend.

Chinaren said...

My apologies for taking so long to do this!


I’ve also posted this here:

http://tomecity.com/smf/index.php/topic,839.msg10038.html#msg10038

…as it’s a bit easier to read.


I both liked this one and didn’t like it so much. Liked it because I thought it was written well, but didn’t like it so much because I thought the ending wasn’t really a surprise like your cigarette one, and it wasn’t so ‘poetic’ in some ways.

Let’s get to the meat…


He is so quiet and pretends to be inexistent.

A few places through this one would probably benefit from use of contractions. ‘He is’ --> “He’s” for example. I think this place is one of these.

The inexistent should be non-existent I believe. I’m not sure inexistent is really a word, though my WP isn’t objecting to it. Mmm.


He is very alive though and if anyone would pay some attention, it …

I don’t think this line reads very smoothly. It may benefit from a rewording. One part could read better as ‘…if anyone would just pay attention’.


Looking closely, one would see in his face the message: the time, the date, the owner's name, the local extension, the operator's number, and so on and so forth.

I think there’s just too much information in this line, from an aesthetic point of view, and it’s purely a personal thing with me, but I’ve always disliked ‘and so forth’. That’s just me though!

Oh, should be ‘on his face’ I guess.


His owner is busy. She is doing something that seems to be of importance but who knows if indeed it is important? She is busy. Or is she trying to be? He just listen.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey with these few sentences. Is he confused or accusing?

The last ‘listen’ should be ‘listens’


He listens to the tick and the tack of the keyboard as she uses it profusely.

I like the ‘tick and tack’, though the profusely doesn’t look right.


Maybe she is indeed busy. But she looks so relaxed and not pressured at all. He doesn't really believe that she is busy but he is confused

I was wondering what the source of his confusion is here. I mean, surely she wouldn’t just pretend to be busy? Mmm.


"How I wish I can be like her and be so alive. I can only be alive in few moments each day.

…could be like her… “I can only be alive…” I think it should be: “I’m only alive…”


It is so boring sitting here, with my wires uncared that

“…my wires uncared for…”


! I am bored. I am bored to death."

I do like the repetition for emphasis. Really works for me.


She will be out of the office and he would be there all night: alone in the cold, alone in the dark, alone in the crazy laid-out building.

‘….he will be here all night…”

Nice lines of despair!


It is time for her to go. She is preparing. And suddenly, he felt a hot tinged in himself.

Tingle?


He was ringing and at last she held him.

I think there should be a comma after ringing


Okay, a short one today!

Keep writing!

Chinaren.


Disclaimer:
People’s opinions differ! The above critique is Chinaren’s opinion of the work, and you are, of course, free to agree or disagree as you see fit. The suggestions made are just that, suggestions.
If there are any areas that Chinaren has ‘reworded’ please do not take this as an attempt to show you ‘superior’ writing skills. Reworded areas are only done to get a point across clearly, and they are in no way meant to mean that Chinaren can do it better!
Any offense that may be inferred from the above crit is unintentional.

EddieGarcia said...

If a phone truly had feelings I would feel sorry for it, but we know better, don't we? Our phone does not get neglected so I don't have to worry about it thinking sad thoughts as I type on my computer everyday. lol
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