Monday, April 20, 2009

Her Last Laugh

She was his childhood companion. She could not remember exactly when did they meet but for sure he was only a teenager by then. He is a very grown man now. He is near forty to be exact. In fact, he is so much different from before and for a long number of years that the have been together, she knows that he has a very strong attachment to her. Not even his previous flings, girl friends or even his wife can make their connection malfunction. "Oh yes and NOT even his wife who surely despises me!" She grunted this with both pride and a bit of anguish.

She is too glad that he is holding her now. "Oohh what a beautiful life," she muttered. He keeps on touching her, holding her and taking her near his lips every now and then. She feels like she is floating in the clouds working their way to the gates of heaven. It is such a lovely feeling, an ultimate pleasure, something that is to die for. He keeps doing his thing to her and she overly enjoys it.

Now that her life is almost at the 50% level, she thinks for a while amidst the great pleasure that she feels. She would be finished soon, she would be an amber-turned-ash substance very soon and she is very much aware of it. "Who cares about my end? I am a resurrected element and I know I would live again," she thought to herself with so much courage and confidence. She could even hear herself chuckling at that very thought.

She likes him so much and the fact that he is so attached to her: the past her, the present her and the future her, even make her more excited to be with him. He enjoys her company. He stays with her at least twenty times each day and she is so proud of him. This realization caused her to create a soft mirthless laugh.

It is almost over now. She has an even shorter life to live in this instant and she has to feel every pleasure she could get. His wife hates him for being so attached to her. She is happy that she always win him over his wife. She is a winner. He needs her. The wife is nothing. The wife is a loser. She is so happy with this thought and for the last moment, she emitted the light of life. She smiled, as she could hardly make a laugh now, for the last time before he crushed her consumed yet still lighted remains in the ash tray.

7 comments:

pehpot said...

winner?! why not?

she has been my companion too for some time.. LOL

Make or Break

TH said...

about cigarette, I recall when I having pressure and stress at college, I choose either to smoke or have my ears pierce. Guess which I choose? Its ears pierce! :) good choice right?

NovaS said...

Interesting information.. thanks for sharing it...

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WebbieLady said...

@Pehpot,

SO you're guilty as well!

@TH,
Bravo for not smoking but piercing the ear or ears is not also advisable if you plan to go abroad, do you know?

@Nova,
This is a fiction Nov.. not really an info. A dramatised simple fact. ^^

Sharkbytes said...

This was the first time I had read one of your tales. And I read the telephone one too. You have a knack for catching the personality of the object. If I could just make a suggestion that you continue to improve your English skills to really polish these up, and the essays would be really excellent. Maybe you could preserve some of the mystery by not putting the "answer" in the title. I know, I know, SEO and all that. But it would be a better "read" to keep it a secret. Thanks!

tashabud said...

Hello Webbielady,
I like your perspective on telling your stories. Very unique to me. I didn't pay attention to the SEO "thingies" at the top, so that when I was reading your story, I thought it's about drinking alcohol. The cigarette didn't enter my mind until the very end.

Just like Bravo, this, I also enjoyed.

Congratulations!
Tasha

Chinaren said...

I’ve also posted this here:

http://tomecity.com/smf/index.php/topic,830.msg9882.html#msg9882

…as it’s a bit easier to read.


Okay, first, overall: Nice one! I like the whole concept you have here. There’s only small nitpicks this time:

The first paragraph was confusing. The same as the last one in the sense I wasn’t sure which POV (Point of View) we were following. Still, it becomes clearer later on. Let's get to it...


She was his childhood companion. She could not remember exactly when did they meet but for sure he was only a teenager by then.

I’d consider merging the two sentence too, though it may mean a slight rewrite:

They met when he was just a child, he couldn’t remember exactly when and where…

Also drop the ‘by’ in ‘by then’.


He is a very grown man now. He is near forty to be exact.

Dropping the ‘man’ might make this sound a little smoother. Merging the two sentences above would make it flow more too. “He’s all grown now, near forty…”


In fact, he is so much different from before and for a long number of years that the have been together, she knows that he has a very strong attachment to her.

Perhaps change ‘from before’ to just ‘now’.


Not even his previous flings, girl friends or even his wife can make their connection malfunction.

I get what you mean here, but ‘malfunction’ isn’t really the right word in this context. Can’t think of a good replacement tho atm. Ah, my addled brain.


"Oh yes and NOT even his wife who surely despises me!" She grunted this with both pride and a bit of anguish.

Nice line, though it would have more impact if you dropped ‘a bit of’ I think. Also perhaps the ‘and’ just at the beginning. “Oh yes, not even…”


She is too glad that he is holding her now.

The ‘too glad’ is a bit of an off phrase. “So glad” might work better.

"Oohh what a beautiful life," she muttered.

Mutters. The rest is present tense so keep this the same.


He keeps on touching her, holding her and taking her near his lips every now and then.

This is a wonderful line. Refine it a little by dropping the ‘on’ and changing the ‘taking her’ to ‘bringing her’ or something like. A bit more poetic. Mmm. ‘Drawing her’ maybe.


She feels like she is floating in the clouds working their way to the gates of heaven.

Comma after ‘clouds’ and you could change ‘their way to’ to er, ‘up towards the gates…’ maybe.


It is such a lovely feeling, an ultimate pleasure, something that is to die for.

I think this is a wonderful line! Love the ‘message’ in it!


He keeps doing his thing to her and she overly enjoys it.

Drops the ‘overly enjoys’ I think. Replace it with er… arg, this stupid cold. I can’t think properly. Well, something a little more colorful.


Now that her life is almost at the 50% level,

I think you could replace the 50% bit, which feels rather cold and clinical, with ‘half done’


She would be finished soon, she would be an amber-turned-ash substance very soon and she is very much aware of it.

Drop the ‘she would be’ I think. It would make the sentence flow more. Also ‘very soon’ is not needed, you’ve said ‘soon’ once already.


He stays with her at least twenty times each day and she is so proud of him.

I think something like ‘he uses her’ instead of ‘stays with her’ might seem better.


It is almost over now.


Great buildup line.

She has an even shorter life to live in this instant and she has to feel every pleasure she could get.

This line’s a bit muddled. You could try rewording it. “As her life starts fade she determines to live blah blah…”


She is happy that she always win him over his wife.

Again, slightly arkward. Maybe ‘…happy he always chooses her over his wife…’


for the last time before he crushed her consumed yet still lighted remains in the ash tray.

Nice final line! Although you could add a comma after ‘consumed’, and I think it should be ‘lit’ not ‘lighted’ here.


Keep writing!

Chinaren.


[b]Disclaimer:[/b]
People’s opinions differ! The above critique is Chinaren’s opinion of the work, and you are, of course, free to agree or disagree as you see fit. The suggestions made are just that, suggestions.
If there are any areas that Chinaren has ‘reworded’ please do not take this as an attempt to show you ‘superior’ writing skills. Reworded areas are only done to get a point across clearly, and they are in no way meant to mean that Chinaren can do it better!
Any offense that may be inferred from the above crit is unintentional.