Monday, September 21, 2009

Tzabilita's Frustrations

Who can blame me? From childhood, as far as I can remember, I was deeply in-love. Yes, deeply in-love with food. I love to eat. I love to munch! I love to have always something wet and filling my mouth. Who’s to blame? I am sure I am not the only one at fault here. I mean, I could’ve controlled my appetite only if those television commercials were not so convincing….or if my parents warned me that being fat is not a beautiful thing, especially when I’d grow into adult… or if the friends I grew with were not fat. Yes, I was also with fat friends all the while so it was very normal to have extra bulges around from when I was a child.

At 38 years old, I can say that I have never lost any weight. I was always I constant increase until now that I am at least 130 kilograms! It’s so difficult. It is such a big burden to flex and sweat. Only to think about it, I feel tired even before I could start!

Is it wrong to be fat? Maybe yes, or maybe not. Yes, it is wrong as I am already nearing 40 and still single, available and never been kissed, never been touched. But on the other hand, it signifies freedom as I am alone and I can go anywhere I want without having to consider anything. But you know what? This freedom is so painful! If you can only imagine what I feel in the middle of the night…. The loneliness… the emptiness.. How I wish I was never this fat.

I still don’t consider it my fault though. Since I was a child, my parents had already emphasized the importance of food, the beauty and pleasure of eating and all of us, my two brothers and I, we all grew fat. “Fat kids from fat parents”, that’s what our neighbors used to tell us when we were only little ones. We did not understand by then that it was already half insult.

When I started working, I tried hard to lost this weight that’s with me ever since but it was so difficult. It is sad to be fat and I regret or hate so many things that are connected to my being fat:
1. My parents: how could they permit being so fat and passing those flabby figures to all us, their children?
2. Myself: I could have been more disciplined when I was a child and tried to limit my food intake to not grow as fat as I am at the moment.
3. My two brothers: If they were good enough in losing weight, we could’ve helped each other in losing weight.
4. My friends: If they’re not as fat as me, they could have motivated me;
5. The food industry: they always convince me to try their new products;
6. The world: They look negatively at fat people!
The whole human race is brain-washed on how to treat their fellow human beings. Why should they look so bad at fat people? This I don’t really understand. But someday, I will have my vengeance against the whole world for being so cruel to us fatter people! Watch out, mean world of slims and thins! I’ll show you!